Help! I have anxiety

One night this week I woke up at 5am. I was troubled. 

I was mulling over my 9-year-old son getting a bit lippy with his coach at his football game. Why would he act like that? Why would he say that? What if he did that again? So disrespectful. Have I not raised my children properly? To be polite and respect their elders? I should get mad. There should be more serious consequences. I should speak to the coach. No no no. I should give more love. He is clearly feeling pressured. He needs better guidance. I am not handling it well… Blah blah blah…

My mind was busy. I was unsettled. A physical unease was brewing in the centre of my lower chest. You may know the feeling? Shoulda woulda coulda… 

I lay there in the dark immersed in this experience. And then another thought arises “Oh. You have anxiety Kat”

Ah yes, that’s what is happening. I am experiencing anxiety.

Now I am aware of what is happening: I am having a whole lot of anxious thinking about my 9-year-old son and his football game.

Good to know. I am now no longer just in the experience - which looked very real - I am watching myself have it.

I reach for my phone. I will read something to distract me so I can fall back to sleep. But unfortunately what I have also come to know is that sometimes it’s not so simple to just think myself out of this. Sometimes you can’t change the channel or switch off. Sometimes my friends “Letting it go” is easier said than done.

The problem with anxiety is it reflects what we think. It is our reality. Anxious thinking equals anxious feelings. We feel what we think. And WHAT we think is based on what we believe. This is so helpful to know.

Unless I walk myself through the fundamental belief that I am not ok unless something happens - there will be no more sleep for me. I will feel bad until I get curious. What is actually going on? I start to simply notice the thoughts. 

I ask myself a question that I would ask someone else “what are the facts about this situation and what have you made them mean?” And the answer pops into my mind straight away - it’s so familiar to me. 

“It’s all my fault”

Oh yes. It’s all my fault. This idea has been the basis of most of my anxiety throughout my life. That perhaps I am just, a particularly rubbish human. That, because I haven’t done something “right” or “better” there is something wrong with me. Oh and then my children might know no better and be rubbish too - and it’s all my fault. Yeah. WOW.

You will have your own flavour of insecure lbeliefs that lead to a whole lot of thinking. Maybe your belief is that it is everyone else’s fault? Both are equally disempowering.

This belief “it’s all my fault” has not helped me. Sure I take responsibility for my choices and tend not to blame others. 

But it is a belief that has discouraged me. I am living in an insecure world - as insecure as waiting for other people to fix up and do the right thing (which they may or may not do).

I have made bad choices for myself from this idea I have created. Round and round I have gone in a vicious circle of feeling bad and making bad choices.  A self-fulfilling prophecy which of course - you guessed it - is obviously all my fault too.

When we don’t feel ok we don’t tend to do ok.

But when we step back for a moment, out of our personal experience of anxiety, what is undeniably true is that suffering, struggling and arguing with our reality is fruitless and unnecessary. Wishing it was a way it wasn’t is a waste of time.

Wishful thinking can appear and we can realise what is happening because we will feel it. We feel bad. It’s actually pretty genius.

Recognising that feeling bad is a sign I am off track - not the world and not my son - is a gift that keeps on giving. Feeling bad is a sign that I am struggling inside. I give myself a mini hug. “It’s actually not your fault” I reassure myself “…and IF he does it again you will do your best at that time too” We live and learn. 

Experiencing less anxiety and more freedom really can happen for us when we start to look within when we feel bad. Just a gentle curiosity - because it’s not what I did or didn’t do / what others did or didn’t do. What I think creates my feelings and experience.

What do we believe we need to be ok? Do we know we are aok - right now just as we are? (If not read this post: Simple - we are ok!)

Being free from anxiety and experiencing peace of mind is simply an inside job of gentle curiosity. If we think life works any other way than it does we will suffer and know no peace. Nothing faulty, nothing broken. Just innocently living from a misunderstanding of how our mind works.

Truly knowing this can take a lot off your mind. There is less to do than we think.

If you like this blog, I have made a video here on what really helps when we feel anxious.